Today is a year when I had to make the hardest decision to let the woman who brought me into this world go. I was blessed to have had my mom in my life for 26 years, but when it comes to mothers, a child would wish to have them for as long as they are living in this world. My mother has been in and out of the hospital since 2004. She fought a long and tiring battle. My mother had many infections and illness such as diabetes, high blood sugar, high cholesterol, and pancreatitis to say the least. Although my mother did show her pain, she continued to push through because she wanted to stay strong for her daughters and grandson – once he came into our lives. After losing her baby brother in August of 2016, my mother wanted to change her life around. She realized life was too short and she was no longer going to let her sickness take control of her life. Overall, my mom just wanted to live a normal life. My mother fought all her life. Whether it was with finance, relationships, and even with herself. So, I guess it is a little healing to know she doesn’t have to fight no more. We no longer have to hear her say “I am tired” because now she is at peace. Without thinking I relive the moment when we had to say goodbye to her. I was by her head, my sister Valen was by her left arm, and my baby sister Valencia was by her feet. We cried telling her to wake up and not to leave us, we even said sorry, as if we were to blame for her passing. THIS PAIN F****** hurts. But what makes me feel okay, is thinking how she went. I think my uncle and grandmother was there in the room to welcome her home. Now, I am thinking how my mom looks like. She probably looks like a snack, because she no longer looks sick, nor does she have that “pregnant stomach” she had due to her pancreas. The other thing I think about is her finally being with her first love Daryl. I remember when he passed, she was heart-broken. So when I want to cry and be mad saying “God why did you take my mother away?” I remember that possibly this was for the better for my mom. I will always wish for her to be here because she will be missing when I get married – I won’t be able to have her $10 contribution that she said she will give towards my wedding, or when I have my first child or any other accomplishments that I will soon achieve. She will be in my heart, yes I know. But nothing is better than a mother’s presence. I want to remember my mom, not by her struggles or her illness but by her strength, her love, her laughter, her name – IRIS (I.R.I.S).
I think I will keep the rest of our memories to myself. But this I wanted to share because I am going to keep my mom’s name alive. Not only that, I also know a few people who have lost their mothers right after I lost mine. I come to realize that we are not alone in this world. There are many who have lost their mother as a child, during birth, or even when they too were adults. Either way again, losing a mom no matter what age, hurts and will always hurt. Our mothers are in heaven looking down at us with smiles in their hearts, and tears in their eyes.
But with that being said: I will be working on a project on behalf of her name. I won’t go into details of it until I am ready to reveal it but for her one year, I want to show my mother that I am still her rock and will continue to be until I am with her again. There is a song that came out a while back that my mom and I listened to once. It is called She Said by The DEY. I told her “Mom, this song is perfect for you. I dedicate this to you.” She told me, “I agree, I don’t want you to be like me. I want you to live, I want you to do better.” In my past, I did say I did not want to be just like my mom. We had our downfalls and arguments, but that is because I did not understand her as a woman just as my mom. The year I understand her as a woman, I told her. “I want to be just like you.” Because her strength, her love, and humbleness were the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in this world, and because of who she was as a woman I am the woman I am today. My little sister is the mother she is today because of her, my baby sister is the young woman she is because of her.
A piece of the song that makes me think of her every single day.
I could never figure out how we made it thru
You did it by yourself and I had no one to come home to
Still she lived her life
And prayed at night to make it thru another day
And eaven when I saw the pain in her eyes she tells me everything is ok
And I’ll never forget
What you have done for me
And I’ll do my best
To make you proud of me
She said girl I just want you to have a better life then me
Get a good job so you can raise a family
I’m not the kind of people you look up too
I don’t think you understand I wanna be just like you
Everytime you taught me to me
I lived by faithfully
You would be so proud to see
The woman I’ve become
That I’m gona give back to you
Because that’s what I wanna do
Mama I love you
More than anything
To be reminded that you are no longer with me is a nightmare I had to learn to numb.
I think what I dislike the most is knowing how to you went. I did not get to say goodbye, you did not get to hear me say I love you. And the only image I have right now is when I was by your head, Valen was by your left arm, and Momo by your feet crying for you to come back. It has been a year without your laugh, your Iris talk, your argument over something we did, or your listening ear when we would call you for random talks. To say, overall Mommy, I am numb. I want to break-down and give up, but you did not go through hell in life to have a daughter as a quitter. You called me your rock for a reason, and I think without even knowing I am living up to that name. I wanted you to stay, but I know you were tired. You always used to say, “I am trying to stay strong for my girls, and grandson.” Well, mommy, you were strong and now because of you, your girls are stronger. I love you and I want to tell you, although our life is not the same, we will be okay until we meet again. You did your best, and you did your job as a mother, sister, friend, and daughter. You never gave yourself credit, so I hope with us doing what we are doing here on earth is making you say “I did that and those are my girls.” Continue to visit me in my dreams. Thank you and Tio Joseluis for telling me that I will be okay, and you both giving me your blessing to take on my next adventure. I love you.
Your oldest, your rock, your Destiny