Are All Men the Same?

Close to my heart

that’s where I let you stay

but because of all the hurts and pain before you

I start to become afraid.

Afraid that you

my dear,

my smile is too good to be true.

That although I know my worth,

maybe I am just not good enough for you. 

You see the hurt and pain had relinquished out of me

when I gave you the key to my heart, 

I forgot to tell you to be cautious,

this home is a broken one.

Inside there is a little girl

who is seeking for love but is afraid that love does not want her back.

I mean love takes her

but then throws her back into the sea watching her drown 

but then visits once and blue to profess aloud I was a great catch! 

So really, are you really for me?

I know I can love but then my mind tells me

no, no, no my dear

He doesn’t love you!

Just simply  look at how your own father even abandoned you

So I admit

I am scared to fully love you

to love at all, 

and yet again I allowed myself to love you

because you make me happy 

But my mind is crazy

Better yet it’s not crazy

It just remembers all the hurt and pain

that won’t lay to rest.

To then always asking myself…are all men the same?

Dear Mama

Today is a year when I had to make the hardest decision to let the woman who brought me into this world go. I was blessed to have had my mom in my life for 26 years, but when it comes to mothers, a child would wish to have them for as long as they are living in this world. My mother has been in and out of the hospital since 2004. She fought a long and tiring battle. My mother had many infections and illness such as diabetes, high blood sugar, high cholesterol, and pancreatitis to say the least. Although my mother did show her pain, she continued to push through because she wanted to stay strong for her daughters and grandson – once he came into our lives. After losing her baby brother in August of 2016, my mother wanted to change her life around. She realized life was too short and she was no longer going to let her sickness take control of her life.  Overall, my mom just wanted to live a normal life. My mother fought all her life. Whether it was with finance, relationships, and even with herself. So, I guess it is a little healing to know she doesn’t have to fight no more. We no longer have to hear her say “I am tired” because now she is at peace. Without thinking I relive the moment when we had to say goodbye to her. I was by her head, my sister Valen was by her left arm, and my baby sister Valencia was by her feet. We cried telling her to wake up and not to leave us, we even said sorry, as if we were to blame for her passing. THIS PAIN F****** hurts. But what makes me feel okay, is thinking how she went. I think my uncle and grandmother was there in the room to welcome her home. Now, I am thinking how my mom looks like. She probably looks like a snack, because she no longer looks sick, nor does she have that “pregnant stomach” she had due to her pancreas. The other thing I think about is her finally being with her first love Daryl. I remember when he passed, she was heart-broken. So when I want to cry and be mad saying “God why did you take my mother away?” I remember that possibly this was for the better for my mom. I will always wish for her to be here because she will be missing when I get married – I won’t be able to have her $10 contribution that she said she will give towards my wedding, or when I have my first child or any other accomplishments that I will soon achieve. She will be in my heart, yes I know. But nothing is better than a mother’s presence. I want to remember my mom, not by her struggles or her illness but by her strength, her love, her laughter, her name – IRIS (I.R.I.S).
I think I will keep the rest of our memories to myself. But this I wanted to share because I am  going to keep my mom’s name alive. Not only that, I also know a few people who have lost their mothers right after I lost mine. I come to realize that we are not alone in this world. There are many who have lost their mother as a child, during birth, or even when they too were adults. Either way again, losing a mom no matter what age, hurts and will always hurt. Our mothers are in heaven looking down at us with smiles in their hearts, and tears in their eyes. 
But with that being said: I will be working on a project on behalf of her name. I won’t go into details of it until I am ready to reveal it but for her one year, I want to show my mother that I am still her rock and will continue to be until I am with her again. There is a song that came out a while back that my mom and I listened to once. It is called She Said by The DEY. I told her “Mom, this song is perfect for you. I dedicate this to you.” She told me, “I agree, I don’t want you to be like me. I want you to live, I want you to do better.” In my past, I did say I did not want to be just like my mom. We had our downfalls and arguments, but that is because I did not understand her as a woman just as my mom. The year I understand her as a woman, I told her. “I want to be just like you.” Because her strength, her love, and humbleness were the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in this world, and because of who she was as a woman I am the woman I am today. My little sister is the mother she is today because of her, my baby sister is the young woman she is because of her. 
A piece of the song that makes me think of her every single day. 
I could never figure out how we made it thru
You did it by yourself and I had no one to come home to
Still she lived her life
And prayed at night to make it thru another day
And eaven when I saw the pain in her eyes she tells me everything is ok
And I’ll never forget
What you have done for me
And I’ll do my best
To make you proud of me
She said girl I just want you to have a better life then me
She said
Get a good job so you can raise a family
She said
I’m not the kind of people you look up too
I don’t think you understand I wanna be just like you
Everytime you taught me to me
I lived by faithfully
You would be so proud to see
The woman I’ve become
That I’m gona give back to you
Because that’s what I wanna do
Mama I love you
More than anything

Continue reading “Dear Mama”

My next home.

I think it is time to truly be honest with my readers about something that has been on my mind for a little over 2 years now.

*DRUM ROLL*

I would like to leave New Jersey. For quite some time I have been trying to convince myself to leave a place I once called home, to build a new home. The reason why I say that Jersey City is a place I once called home is because Jersey City is not the same anymore. My reasons.

1. Jersey City is too damn expensive to live in just by yourself. Most can and kudos to them, but sadly that is not the case for me.

2. Jersey City has done a complete change. Thanks, gentrification! (🖕🏾 – if you cannot see this emoji, it is a middle finger.) When I was younger Jersey City was full of stores and places for families to spend time together. Now, it is filled with bars,  restaurants, and complex apartments. 

3. This is the reason that made me decide to say peace to my hometown which is no longer having my mom here with me. I thought to myself, “what is the point of calling Jersey City home anymore without her?”

My mom had a dream to eventually leave Jersey City but she kept having setbacks. She used to say, “I’ll leave once you girls are little older.” or “I’ll leave when Valencia graduates high school.”

When I brought the idea to move to Georgia and then got my mom tickets to go to Georgia to see for herself how beautiful it was over there, I finally heard her say, “Okay, we can move.” In fact, as her oldest daughter and to make my mom more secure about her decision, I told her that I’ll go and establish a life out there for us all first. Similarly, just like my mother, I too deep down had a fear to leave. My mom’s fear was change, my fear is failing. But I still wanted to leave.
After my mother’s death sometime in June, I received a call from a university in Georgia about a job I applied for. Mind you, I applied for this job waaaayyyy back so I had completely forgotten about that specific position until that call. As a result, the thought of moving started to arise again. However, I began to receive signs after the second interview that maybe Georgia was not exactly for me. I didn’t feel the thrill that I thought I would get. Usually, when I want to do or go for something in life, it has to give me chills and excitement even when I am nervous and all, in reality, Georgia wasn’t doing that for me.

Now, what unexpectedly gave me chills was Florida. I haven’t been in Florida since I was maybe 17 years old. So when I returned I was like (meh) I am just here just because. Until my cousin showed me around and I started to feel a peace of mind. Something that I was searching for after all my tragedies had happened right in Florida. My cousin jokingly said to me “you should move here.” I said, “Ha, yeah, right.” However, by the next day, my mind was like “what if I DID move over here?!”

To make this long story short ever since I returned back from Florida to New Jersey, my thought and mind changed again. I want to leave New Jersey again, I just did not know when until now. With that being said, I am going to take a big chance, put my big girl pants and move sooner than later. 

As of March 2018, I will be relocating to a place I will be calling my new home. This is something I owe to myself, to my sisters and nephew, and to my mother. I am beyond nervous, anxious, and I have been fighting with myself with my self-doubt, stress, and trying to stay positive. Nonetheless, I want to take the chance, I want to have this experience, I want something different. So cheers to this new journey!

The secret is out!

Continue reading “My next home.”

Give Yourself Some Credit, Des.

Last Tuesday I went to see my doctor. I have been avoiding my doctor since October because I have been slacking on my health grind. But I thought I was good until mid-December when I started to feel numbness in my left arm and fingers, and I noticed my damn stomach that was going flat was starting to poke again. I started to worry and thought to myself “I’m 27-years-old, this is the age my mother’s health started to go downhill. You cannot let that be your same path!”

I broke down at my doctor’s office because there has just been a lot going on with me b but of course I am here to talk about my health and this is what I told her: 

Officially when I moved out on my own, that was the first time I started to step foot into the gym FAITHFULLY, however my diet remained the same so the results were little. It was then in the summer of 2016 when I came back from my vacation “looking like I ate someone’s mother” I said to myself, “Okay Destiny, you need to get your shit together, you want to lose weight you know what to do. CUT THE SHIT!” 

That was also the summer I lost my youngest uncle to a blood clot. That nightmare was definitely a wake-up call for me. He was young, too young to lose his life, and I did not want to be next. I remembered all the tips and advice he gave me during our phone calls and started to put them into action. I changed both my fitness workouts and eating habits. It was going well, UNTIL March 2017, when *well you all know what happened to me.* I lost all motivation, all hope and gave up completely. “I’ll be fat forever!” I thought I was comfortable settling with that mindset but deep down I wasn’t because losing my mom was the BIGGEST WAKE-UP CALL IN MY LIFE! Life is short and your health is extremely important.

So, once again summer 2017, I started to grind again! Before I used to think I needed a workout buddy to push myself to get serious, but in all reality all I needed was for myself. I began to workout alone. Since it was nice out, I began working on my runs at night. My night runs were actually my stress reliever to help me go to sleep at night, since I was having such hard time sleeping. I was so focused on doing my run to sleep that I did not realize I was transforming slowly but surely before my eyes. And it all just started with doing one mile runs to then two miles in the entire Lincoln Park. I was extremely proud of myself, but I knew I had a long way to go. 

Then of course, September hit. I let life, excuse, and laziness take over again. All my hard work slowly started to fade until now. I caught myself one day looking myself in the mirror. “Fuck that!” I said.  I was on the road to progression in the summer, and I WILL CONTINUE TO BE ON THAT ROAD NOW! No excuses!!!!

The fact that I saw my results before motivated me even more to get back on track and this time stay on it. my reason is not because I want to look skinny and have a fat ass but because my life depends on it. My family health is serious, majority of everyone is sick or suffering because of their health. It is life or early death. But not I. I want to be different, and I do not want to rely on surgery to get me to my end results. (No offense to anyone who had to or decided to take that route). Nonetheless, I love working out when I convince myself to cut the excuses. 

 

This is the bravest thing I am about to do by showing my readers my before and after picture from February 2017 to September 2017. [I have many pictures in between showing the timeline of my transformation but I want to show when I actually started to take my health seriously and before I ended when I allowed life to take over my laziness again.] 

But stay tune to the newly pictures, because I am back!!! 

 I may have my fall offs here and there but I am not going to give up entirely. My life is changing right before my eyes. Although, I paused on the grind, I do not look like how I did on the picture on the left, that’s for sure! 

Most things in my life I am uncertain about and patiently waiting to see when it will start up, but with my health, I am certain about and know when it will start which is NOW! T

his is my public promise to myself and anyone else who is dealing with the same situation. You are not alone, and WE GOT THIS! 

 

 

I will not have [Die]abetes

In the middle of the nights, I would wake up startled by rattling and jingling noises coming from the kitchen. Curious to see what is all the commotion, in the back of my mind I would already have a clue to what it could be. As I walked towards the dimmed lights I can see my grandmother in the kitchen fiddling around in the refrigerator. My stomach began to tumble and my teeth would chatter at the thought of her looking for her midnight dessert that she had stashed behind the cranberry juice, because my breath and sticky hands were covered in evidence. Nevertheless, she was not allowed to have sweets anyways. So I had done her a favor, at least, that is what the doctor would have said.

My grandmother was a stubborn woman. At her doctor appointments, she would always make a face to the doctors, or when they were speaking to her she would have looked the other way or silence her hearing aid once they were not looking. As I was ready to jump out and admit to the sweet sin I have committed, she was already out of the fridge. I was puzzled by what she was carrying to the table. It was a very small bottle in her one hand and a needle in the other.

I was only nine-years-old and I was not aware of any diseases, symptoms, or disorder at the time. After that first night seeing my grandmother with that small glass bottle full of some sort of liquid and needle, I began to see her with those same items every night. I studied her procedure. One, she would fill the needle with the clear liquid from the small glass bottle until it had reached to a certain number in the needle. Next, she would bring the needle close to her face to make sure it was filled correctly, last, she would then poke the needle into her stomach. My eyes popped, I got teary because I didn’t understand what I just saw, so I ran back to my bed.

To my grandmother it was nothing to make a mark on her stomach but to me it was a mark that I was curious to know the purpose for it. Instead of going to bed, I woke up my mother in tears shaking. I asked her; why would Ata put a needle in her stomach? My mom lay there for a moment before she got up to explain why.

Diabetes is a metabolic disorder characterized by insufficient insulin action—the insulin was the clear liquid in the tiny glass that my grandmother put inside of her stomach. I learned that there are two type of diabetes. Type 1 is an autoimmune disease in which the body’s immune system destroys the cells in the pancreas that produce insulin. Type 2 is a result of the body’s inability to make enough, or to properly use insulin. With type 2 you must take an insulin injection. Most people would stick themselves with the insulin in his or her stomach, arm, or thigh.

When I was 14, a few weeks after my grandmother died (a week after my birthday), my mother and I found out that she too had diabetes. Come to find out, majority of my family has had or still have diabetes. It is hereditary. Seeing both my mother and grandmother sick would have me lose my appetite, and energy to do any of my school activities, to do anything at all. Throughout the days, my eyes would feel like it is burning, my clothes would look dull and pale, and my face would be swollen. Because the idea of losing my mother made me terrified. At first my mother was type 1, but because she was not taking care of herself, by stop working out, and following her diabetic diet, she became more ill. She had to constantly be admitted in and out of the hospital up until her passing away (a week after her 45th birthday).

Before, I wanted to find out more about diabetes in order to help my mother get better, especially since I couldn’t help my grandmother. I did not want to see my mother go through the same illness my grandmother went through. But I did, and she experienced worst! My mother had her ups and downs with her health. But to be honest her doctors nor the hospital had really helped her get better. Giving someone multiple medications will NOT help them!

Diabetes is a very serious disease that needs to be taken care of. Now, after losing both my grandmother and mother, I want to make sure I do not put myself on the same route like them. From what I experienced from both my grandmother and mother, they would feel excoriating pains that would make them feel out of breath, numb in either the arms or legs, continuously being nauseous, and dizzy. Countless of times seeing them cry, countless of times hearing them say they were tired. If I could turned back the hands of time, I would and educate us all!

Diabetes is known to be the sixth cause of death in America and the fifth leading cause of death from diseases. Each year, about 200,000 deaths are reported that is caused by diabetes. I refused for my mother to become a part of that statistic but she did. So now, I have to make sure I am not going to be a part of that statistic! As of now, I am pre-diabetic as of June 2016. When I did my annual checkup June 2017, I was still pre-diabetic but my doctor said that my health was improving. My mission is to continue to get better, to live pass 45 and 61. I know they would want me to.

I refuse to be drained by 4pm. I refuse to stay stuck in my bed. I refuse to mumble words. I refuse to walk slowly. I refuse to and sleep majority of the day but not at night. I refuse to spend most of my time at doctor visits just to be prescribed another medication that WILL affect me! It is known that 40-60 percent of the medical cost in Latin families comes out of pocket. I want to and will live for both my grandmother and mother, because they had raised a strong woman. I will be have [DIE]abetes!!

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Gotta Be.

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She gotta be the one

I need.
She gotta be the one that

brings

the joy into my life.
She gotta be the one that I get

down on one knees for…
She gotta be that

Mrs. to my last name,

                                 but I am not showing…
her that she gotta be.

He gotta be the one that gets me weak on my knees
He gotta be the one that puts that smile on my face every waking day!
He gotta be th​e ​

father to my first child…
He gotta be that

man of my dreams, but his action do not match​

his word that…
                           he gotta be.

She gotta be the first person that comes to my mind
She gotta be the

LAST woman​

                         I say I love you to
She gotta be the

​FIRST
               I build a family with
She gotta be that
​ONLY

          ​lady in my life, but she doesn’t believe she gotta be.

He gotta be my king to our home ​
He gotta be

​my go to 

He gotta be the

​LAST

man that I want to spend the rest of my life with
He gotta be my

​FIRST

 partner to build an empire with, but he doesn’t show that he gotta be.

What will it take to change she gotta to be…to she will be?
What will it take to change he gotta to be…to he will be?

​….​

Wooden Soul

I am the boardwalk that sits across the New York skyline.

The one who desires relationship but only catches acquaintances.

I stand in a street name Exchange Place of hopeless dream Plaza, where I come across the road of Haborside impossibility.

I foresee my destiny but I choose not to speak of it, because if I do, my true perception of who I am—will splinter through my skin.

At night I am left alone as the clouds comes close together to darken up the sky.

The moon glows over me to reveal my scars that I have collected throughout the day by unapologetic fools.   

And then during the day, the sun would take over to reveal the wooden platform below me snapping into pieces.

The people that come across me day in and day out only admire my body of land for themselves. They do not see the beauty that I am nor do they acknowledge the strength I have gained.

Now, it is finally time, to see what those associates that came stumbling all over me would do without me.

I set myself free.

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The toxic river anticipates the time to devour the rest of my pride—which it knew I did not have.

I was a half breathing wooden stiff soul that is now being created as the midnight New York skyline.

Forever Crush

In her presence I choke up

to the point I can hear my gulping travel down in my body.

The chill of a December breeze on my face is too cliche to describe how I feel about her once I glance over to see her come close to me.

She needs to know my feeling about her eyes, her smile, her hair, her smell, her laugh, her overall beauty

but

what does it matter?

Since I am just a friend!

And a friend I will remain, because I know one day she will realize the man that she needs to be with

is standing beside her every single time she needs a laugh, a smile

Anything she needs she can get it from me.

But I am just a friend.

5 years later…

I am still just a friend. But this time I am a distant friend. Now, I have moved on.

Now, I am the one who is in love,

who has someone that loves me back.

But then that one day

I glance at an angelic ghost after all these years.

My heart revived again…

looking into her dark brown eyes,

seeing her beautiful sly smile, hearing my gulp going down into my body yet again the moment she said…Hi!

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Pass My Road Test! √

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Junior year of high school was the highlight of all juniors except for one, me! I wasn’t excited simply because I did not grow up with a car. I did not see the importance of having a car until I graduated college, believe it or not. I was spoiled in college, ha! During my time in college, I had done mini driving lessons with my ex-boyfriend and my uncle – when I went to California – but in all reality I began to fear driving. I would have dreams that my “death” would be getting into a car accident. I knew too many people who have gotten into accidents. Many have made it, some did not. And because of that I thought I instantly assumed I would be one of the ones who would not make it. I have made excuses after excuses. Flash forward to 2016, I told myself that I would work on getting my license. But I started to see myself slowly making those excuses again. In the beginning of 2016, my middle sister got into two car accidents, and I allowed that to be my excuse to postpone my studies. Around November 2016, I told myself this is the day I am going to take my test. I went to visit my mom in the hospital, she gave me her blessings, and I told her I am doing this for her so I can drive her places. That day I passed my permit!!! But once I was started working towards my driving lessons – because I scheduled it to be in February 2017, I flaked and pushed it to April 2017. THEN I lost my mom, which made me postpone my driving lessons yet again. Around June I convinced myself to cut the crap and pay for a driving school. I went from being scared to pressing on the gas to then being comfortable to driving in my town from my home to Liberty State Park. I began to feel proud of myself, until July 2017 when I failed my first road test. A raining day and I made a wrong left turn. FAIL! I was distraught and disappointed in myself. I told myself fuck it until my roommate and sister that day told me otherwise, YOU GOT THIS! I practiced a little in the summer but I honestly just practiced one week before my road test. With all the spending, practicing, and self-doubting as of September 29, 2017 your girl passed the road test! Now, I am ready to frequently be on the road and perfect my skills. 

Get ready road, Destinymarie is a free woman! 😉 

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